Coming Home Page 2

  Whether it’s fortunate or not, with my best friend comes his sister. She has been constantly popping back in my head. Damn. With her attitude toward me we’ve never gotten back to the way we used to be. It was my fault. I knew where things were heading and I had to stop it. I know my rejection of her that night years ago hurt her. But I honestly didn’t think it would make her hate me.

  My rationale for pushing her away was simple. She wasn’t just some girl to me – she was more. That scared me because, eventually, I would have fucked it up. There’s no way in hell I could do that to her. Plus, she needed to go and grow up. Live her best life. As tough as it was, I needed to let her.

  How I went about it is not something I’m proud of. I knew what I was doing the night of her graduation. The almost kiss a few days before sent me on a spiral. Bringing that girl and blowing her off was the right thing to do, even if it pained her.

  It was better that way. At least I keep telling myself that. If I had known that she would hate me forever, I would have handled it better. But I was young and stupid. It still makes me feel like shit all these years later.

  I thought I was doing the right thing by being the adult in the situation. I knew how she felt and, in a way, I liked the attention. She was effortless to be around and made me feel safe. But then she scared me, so I had to be an asshole.

  When she left for Boston, a switch flipped and she became this other person. No longer was she quiet and reserved. Over the years, she grew confident and self-assured. However, she was also pissed at me. I knew she would be mad but not to this extent.

  I close my eyes and think about when we were kids. She would always tag along. Ben and I tortured her daily. She would take it and get us back occasionally. She loved to climb trees, jump into the swimming hole off the tire swing, ride on our bikes, race her horse out in the vineyard, and just basically hang out with the boys.

  As she got older, she turned into a gorgeous beauty, inside and out. The effort it took to not think about her in a sexy way killed me. I would catch her staring, and I have to admit that stroked my ego, but she’s like a sister for Christ’s sake. Ben’s little sister and he would kill me. But still her deep blue eyes haunt me, especially when her long blond hair covers them slightly. It’s as if she is trying to hide from me but she can’t. I see right through her.

  Opening my eyes, I take a look around my living room. It’s furnished nicely with some personal photos, but it’s not warm. Another Saturday night and I’m alone.

  I left the pub after the rugby drink-up hours ago. People assume that I left with some chick I picked up. Fact is, I haven’t gone home with anyone in months. Six to be exact. It’s by choice. I don’t want to go home with anyone. I’m trying to refocus and get some perspective in my life.

  What I’ve learned? Not too much. Well, maybe a little.

  So far I know that I’m ok with being alone and not being constantly entertained. I’ve realized that I do miss sex, but I jerk off instead. I’m surviving without it. Don’t get me wrong I friggin' miss it, but my hand works just fine. I’ve worked through my mom’s death a bit and lessening my blame. Surprisingly, the biggest thing I’ve learned is that I need to talk to Jenny.

  Telling her to leave and ignoring her after our close call in the barn years ago hurt her. It pained me too. I purposely pushed her away. An apology is in order so that perhaps we can be friends again.

  I miss her. I don’t think we have had a normal conversation in years. If I ask her a question, she usually stares me down and becomes oppositional. It’s like she gets some sick satisfaction out of arguing with me. But, God help me, I love it. And if I let myself admit it – it excites me.

  I admire her passion, conviction, and feistiness. She drives me crazy and the constant banter back and forth is refreshing. Sure, she can irritate the shit out of me, but deep down I love the challenge she brings.

  Putting my beer down on the coffee table, my gaze drifts. It stops at the fireplace mantel where several picture frames adorn it. I scan each one slowly, only allowing what I want to remember tonight. Each one depicts the story of a boy who grew up fast and dealt with some shitty situations.

  My eyes stop at the one that gives me the best memories. I walk over and pick it up. I smile when I think of the trip Jenny, Ben, and I took to Lake Tahoe after college graduation. We sat around the campfire one night and, for just a brief moment, our hands touched. I didn’t think anything of it but after she moved it, I missed the warmth.

  That touch confused me. That’s when things changed for me. I looked forward to our talks. I liked being alone with her. She listened to me.

  Placing the frame back on display, I sit down and contemplate what the hell I’m going to do next. “Fuck.” She’s on her way home, and I have no idea what the hell to do.

  We need to talk and be civil. For everyone’s sanity, including my own. But god help me because it’s going to be torture. My self-imposed celibacy has provided some clarity. I think about her hand and how our lips almost touched years ago. She is slowly consuming me. Her coming home tortures me.

  And that’s what I want. At least that's what I think I want. I want to think about her and feel good again. I’m not lonely when she’s in my thoughts.

  My mind immediately shifts into getting her in my Jeep and strapping her in tight. Driving out to the fields after a rain storm, throwing it into four wheel drive and pressing the pedal down. I can see her smile as her head tips back and laughs. I reach out to touch her leg just above her knee and squeeze it, making her squirm and squeal.

  “Jesus, Jack, cut the shit!” I grab the remote and turn on the television hoping to get lost in a movie. I need to get myself under control and play things cool. Breaking Jenny from her anger toward me will be a tough task. Her wall is a towering fortress.

  But I’m ready for it. We have to talk and deal with it. It’s time to shake things up. Feeling satisfied with my upcoming challenge, I lie back and find that one of my favorites is on: Die Hard. It’s the perfect movie to turn my brain off and distract me for a little while.

  Tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities. And Jenny.

  Chapter 3

  Jenny

  I can’t believe it’s time for me to go home. I never thought in a million years that I would feel scared and sad about returning. Home had always been my sanctuary, my solace, the place where I felt everything.

  Home was my personal emotional roller coaster, and I was forever in the front row seat.

  Unfortunately, it’s the sadness, embarrassment, and pain that I carry with me the most over the past few years. But I guess everyone’s home is like that. Growing up, I had the best parents who supported me in everything I did. They challenged me, pushed me, stood up for me, kept me safe, encouraged me, and most importantly, loved me unconditionally. My family was never the problem. It was more complicated than that.

  It was him…always him.

  And now I’m returning home.

  Coming home to him.

  The one man that could turn me inside out and hasn’t completely left my head, no matter how hard I’ve tried.

  Jack. My mind flashes back to the night that changed me…us. I try not to recall it too much since the ache still exists. What should have been an amazing night ended up being one of the worst. Let’s face it, everyone has had a broken heart, they are unavoidable. But that night, mine shattered into tiny pieces on the barn floor, each jagged piece covered in dust, horse shit, and wine stains.

  And the jack-ass doesn’t have a fucking clue.

  I’ve worked hard the past five years to avoid him and limit our interactions. For my own sanity I needed to. He confused me and messed up my heart. It took me a while to figure out men, but I did. Well, I like to think I did, however, Jack is still a mystery to me.

  Even though we spent many days talking and sharing, it seemed at surface level. Perhaps my crushing feelings clouded my comprehension of him? I turned a blind eye to many of his idiotic ways,
especially his sexual conquests. I was too naïve and in love.

  When everything happened that night, I had to make a choice. Stay to witness more crap and dig myself deeper or go away. I chose to flee. Moving on and finding life without him in it. I managed to build an unbreakable wall in regards to him. The driver’s seat was in my control not his. I was in charge of my destiny, one free of him.

  Sadly, the worst part of shutting someone down is that you end up losing a good friend. My personal barricade was a double-edged sword. I rocked it and wrecked it. Jack and I weren’t the same and we certainly weren’t friends anymore. Five years is a long time to go without someone who used to matter.

  Standing at my bar work station as I fill up my tray with drinks, I glance over to my best friend Sam. She’s my spirit sister. My rock. Lucky for me she gets my cloudiness with Jack, the love and hate that still exists.

  Her heart was ripped out as well. I witnessed firsthand her breaking and we are nursing it slowly. Our tears are different, but no less real.

  I shake my head and try to stop the images from resurfacing. Jack has become associated with one of the worst nights of my life and it kills me. I want to stop the hurt because I can’t let myself go there anymore. Life sucks and love sucks. Until you find the right one.

  Despite my wavering thoughts, I’ve grown up from who I was back then. However I can still see him standing there, toying with my feelings, and walking away. If that wasn’t bad enough, the bastard sealed our fate with that bimbo. In my favorite escape spot, no less, the shadows of my barn hideaway. A place he knew was special to me. Now it’s tainted. God, I could throw up right now.

  Closing my eyes, I work to ignore the nausea that’s toying with me. I bite my lower lip to distract myself from the unpleasant images surfacing. The taste of blood hits my tongue and I silently curse myself. I’m not the same Jenny he knew. She grew up. She had to. It was inevitable.

  I’m not the inexperienced, awkward, clumsy girl I was around him. I made sure of that. I found out who I was and had a love that was real. It may not have lasted, but I still experienced it. But Jack has no idea what love is.

  No, Jack is going to see who I am now. In no uncertain terms, am I going to let any old feelings for him bubble up. I’ve done a great job stomping them down with cold precision. In fact, they’re repressed and buried so deep that there’s no way in hell they’ll make their way back. Jack Ryan can suck it for all I care.

  Clearly, frequent reminders will be necessary when I get in his space again. I will probably go crazy. Chuckling to myself, I turn to see Sam walking up to me.

  “Hey, J-girl, what’s going on in that head of yours?” Sam bangs her hip into mine while I stand at the bar station. The food I’ve been waiting for has been sitting there for god knows how long. This is what he does to my mind –distraction at its finest. It’s Friday night and graduation is just a few days away. The pub is crazy ass busy. I was asked to work and I thought it would be a good idea.

  “Oh, you know me, Sam. Thinking about the last naughty scene I read and wondering if I can reenact it with my date tomorrow night.” With a dramatic pause and hair toss, I saunter off to deliver my order. My head turns back to give her a flash of a smile and catching a brief glimpse at her eyes.

  Her gaze burrows into me, searching for bullshit. My quick exit lets her not delve in further. Hell, Sam should eye me cautiously because my love life lately is more non-existent. A few dates here and there with a little bit of juiciness but not enough bite. Nothing complicated. Nothing messy. Nothing to write about. I’m leaving soon and they’re just men to help pass the time until I find the right one.

  My problem is that my dates never lived up to the standards I want or expect in a man. Sam knows that. My mission of finding my person is what matters to me. Sam has got her movie boyfriends, and I’ve got my book boyfriends. We make quite the pair. We often have long conversations comparing and contrasting who’s hotter and who would make a better lover.

  Most people only notice what I look like on the outside. Blonde hair. Blue eyes. California tanned skin. Lately, the men want in my bed. My thoughts on that, if that’s all you want then I don’t play. However, if you want to get to know me then I give it a chance. Those are not worth my energy.

  It’s just now I have a protector next to me that’s not my brother. Sam is my best friend, like a sister to me. She knows about Jack and wants to protect me. I’m sure she can sense my uneasiness.

  It’s still painful, but lately I’m keeping it to myself. I’ve come so far. My mind is pissing me off. Saying it out loud makes it real again and I don’t want to relive it. Unfortunately, going home to stay brings those feelings back up to the surface.

  What the fuck am I going to do now?

  That’s the question I keep asking myself. And it sucks that I have no answer. In the back of my mind I always knew that I would be heading home. But, honestly, I’ve had five years to deal with this shit and put myself back together. I’ve been doing a fine job of it, too. But now it’s time to leave my safety net.

  Time to go home and face reality. Time to face my repressed feelings head on. We need to talk so I can get some closure and move on from him. It’s time to face Jack once and for all.

  Chapter 4

  Jack

  I’m screwing around with my X-box when I get a call from Ben. I can hear the panic in his voice and instantly know something isn’t right. He asks to meet me at the diner we hang out at. With no hesitation, I’m out the door.

  Ben’s been dealt some shitty cards in life. He’s been grieving for over two years, and I can’t stand to see him this way any longer. I try my best to be there for him in any way I can. Lately, I’ve been strategizing how I can help him get his head out of his ass.

  I’m realistic. Finding another girl that will settle his heart will take time. I don’t expect him to jump right in and date again, however, just going out would be a nice start. It’s time to up my game and not take “no” for an answer. The problem is how do you reach someone whose sorrow consumes them on a daily basis?

  I’ve had my share of loss and pain. My absent father pretty much abandoned all of us. I don’t think he could handle my mom’s issues. I hadn’t even graduated high school when my mom died. I was only seventeen and my dad was nowhere to be found. I don’t think he knew what to do.

  So my older sister and I had to deal with some serious adult shit too fast. My life spiraled out of control after that and I found myself in a pretty dark place. Ben and his family helped us so much that I owe them my life. So if Ben needs me, I’m there. No questions asked. However, it’s time for an intervention, the way he did for me.

  And he is going to be pissed.

  I’m sitting in the booth when I see him enter. I give him the usual finger and make some crude comment because that’s what I do. People have gotten used to the obnoxious asshole that I can be. It’s simple to keep it up but it gets tiring. Only Ben knows there’s more to me. Jenny used to, too. It’s easier projecting this way and people expect it.

  I can tell right away that something is off. He’s edgier than usual. “Dude, what the fuck is going on with you? You look like an addict needing a hit.”

  Ben looks like he could punch me. So I put on my charming smile that works when I need to get out of jams, but he just smirks back at me. This must be big because he’s not loosening up. His mouth opens as he inhales several short, sharp breaths before he finally speaks. He forces out that not only is Jenny coming home, but her roommate Sam is too.

  His expression changes when he says Sam’s name. There’s no doubt she’s gotten to him. A small path has been forged toward his stricken heart. It’s clearly freaking him the hell out.

  My mind scrambles to figure out how I can make light of the situation, but I haven’t a damn clue. I suck at acknowledging my own feelings - always have. So how in the hell can I help him in this scenario? Shrugging my shoulders, I give it my best shot. “Man, it will be fine. Just b
e yourself and stay cool. Why do you care about this girl Sam coming anyway?”

  I can see a tiny tear at the corner of his eye waiting for a blink to escape. Raising his hand, he wipes it away before speaking.“I don’t know. I’ve talked to her a few times. She kind of gets me. There’s no expectation or pressure. I feel a little bit like the old me.”

  Leaning forward in the booth, I rest my forearms on the table. “This is a good thing. You need to feel more than sadness. Beth would want you to be happy. It’s time.”

  Ben’s facial expression softens. He gives me a slight smile before nodding his head. The tiny glimmer in his eyes gives me hope. This is something that could work out for him. I pray like hell it does. He needs this. We both do. We sit in silence for a few minutes before deciding on our next topic.

  The only thing I can think of is Jenny. At least he brought her name up first.

  I try to appear casual as I redirect the conversation to his sister. I need to know more. My hope is that I don’t appear too obvious. “So, when are the two ladies arriving?”

  Ben takes a sip of his coffee before mentioning that they are not traveling together. “Jenny’s coming home next week. My parents are traveling back with her.” My heart and cock do a simultaneous flutter. The nervous excitement forces my whole body to shift in the booth. I permit myself to go ahead and ask another question. It did not go unnoticed by me that my dick jerked.

  Lifting my mug to my lips, I take a slow sip before speaking. “So are there any big plans for her return?”

  Ben shakes his head. “Of course. Any excuse for a party.” We both laugh because the Fosters love to throw parties. Any kind of party. “Hey, you should come to the welcome home dinner Tuesday night. You’re part of our family and I’m sure Jenny would love to see you.”

  There’s no hiding my visible wincing in regards to that statement. “Ahhh, on second thought, she may kill me for inviting you. But it would be worth it to see her get pissed off again. She’s certainly turned into a fiery one and takes it out on you.”