Finding Home Read online

  Jenny stares at me while I wipe up the mess. I know her looks. This one is a mixture of frustration and worry. “Snap out of it! You are so pissing me off. They may be drunk, but they are hot,” she said. She was practically screaming at me, but then lowered her voice. “Look, it’s been almost a year now, and you’ve taken this life plan thing a little too seriously. You’ve got to let this whole ‘no heartbreak’ thing go!” She tries to say more, but I put my hand up in her face, sending the message to just shut it. With a huff, she quickly spins around on her heels and walks away.

  Well good, I really don’t need a lecture or pep talk from her right now. I am just fine without anyone’s help. I’m happy with my life. My plan is designed to help me regain some control and perspective on my life. After my third and final attempt at a relationship, I needed to set boundaries. My life plan—or rule, rather—is simple: no relationships. Relationships can only lead me down the dark path of heartache, loneliness, and self-pity. I am not going to let myself feel the pain of loving someone who doesn’t love me back. To be told time and again that I am not enough is not an option for me anymore. There will be no more depressing thoughts. I know how to give love, but I’m done giving it. Nope. I am taking charge and establishing my own happiness, and my plan helps me stay focused and away from the wrong men.

  “There you go, Sam. That was a good pep talk,” I murmur quietly as I leave the prep station. I don’t expect to see him, sitting in my station, with his bimbo’s tongue in his ear.

  Oh no! He was not supposed to come to my work!

  “What the fuck? This is just lovely.” I turn to Mic. “You have to let Jenny take table ten. I can’t do it!”

  Mic turns and looks at my ex-boyfriend, his face scrunching. “Sorry Sam, Jenny just took her break. You’re going to have to do it. I know it’s not ideal, but it’s like ripping off a band-aid. The faster you take the order, the faster it will be done.”

  I know it isn’t easy for Mic to say that to me. He knows firsthand how hard I took my break up with Nathan. A part of what he said is right, though. I need to just rip it off and get my ass over there. He has no control over me anymore.

  “You’re an ass, Mic, but I love you anyway,” I say as I kiss his check.

  I make my way over to the table, muttering another pep talk to myself. “Okay, deep breath, Sam, you can do this.” Shit! This is not happening right now. Five minutes ago I gave myself the best motivational speech, and now I have to look at him with her.

  The memories of that night one year ago come slamming into me like a train wreck. I can still see it so clearly. The pain it brought me is still there, just bubbling under the surface, waiting to boil over.

  Taking a moment to pause and collect myself, I focus on my breathing. I will not have a panic attack, and he will not see me cry. He will not get to me again. My heart will be safe. The tears that I feel threatening to spill over will not be shed, dammit. “Deep breaths, Sam, you can do this. He can’t hurt you anymore. Ready and go. Count and breathe deeply. One. Breathe. Two. Breathe. Three. Breathe. Okay. You’re ready.” I hold my head high because I’m going to be the bigger person, even though I feel so small.

  Putting on my best fake smile, I walk over to their table. “Hey Nathan, how’s it going?” My head tilts to the side to avoid eye contact with him and his slut who’s practically sitting in his lap. The look of surprise on his face is awesome. His level of discomfort brings me a bit of peace. He fidgets as he removes bimbo’s hands off his neck and scoots her back onto the seat.

  “Oh … hey, Sam. I didn’t know you still worked here?” Is he seriously saying this to me? I’ve worked here for the last three years—the entire time of our two-year relationship. I try to hide my smug look, but I don’t think I’m very successful.

  “Yeah, well, I love it here, and Mic is great. He’s like a father to me, so it’s the perfect job.” Stop rambling! “So, what can I get you?”

  “Ah, I’ll have the Sam Summer on tap with a cheeseburger and fries. What do you want, Nic?” It’s then that I realize I have to look at her. The one girl I don’t want to see. The one who I’ve only seen with her skinny ass legs up and over Nathan’s shoulders while he was plowing into her. Okay Sam, don’t go there, block it out. As I wait for her order she giggles like an idiot. Seriously, who giggles like that?

  I look at him then back at her and join in her giggling. I’m actually fucking giggling, too! Although, maybe it’s hysterics. All I know is that I look him right in the eyes and say, “You really find this appealing? I mean, seriously, I’ve seen her legs up in the air, but what else does she have going for her?” Without another word, I turn and walk away from him. Mic can take his damn order. I’m not having any of that.

  Walking with as much strength as I can muster, I approach my boss. A feeling of fierceness starts humming through my body. “Mic, the band-aid is gone, but I’m not putting up with that shit. You can take their orders!”

  The drive up Route 29 from San Francisco is always a pleasant one. I love looking at the scenery of the low mountains with rolling hills that hold rows and rows of luscious grapevines. Heading onto Silverado Trail, I can see our family ranch in the distance. I love this place. The serenity I feel when I turn onto the drive is just what I need. It’s the only place that I find solace since Beth died. It’s what centers and grounds me.

  This is where I grew up—this vineyard is in my blood—and one day my sister and I will run it. It’s my dream to make the best wine and share it with the world.

  My father is happy to keep it local and has no desire for expansion, but I have bigger plans. Since Beth died, I put all my focus on learning the business from the outside in. I needed to leave for a while and traveling to Italy was the perfect way to learn more about food and wine. When I returned, I worked in San Francisco at a top restaurant group to learn how to pair wines and please people’s finicky palates.

  Having put in my time, I want to continue my winemaking knowledge. I’m twenty-six, and it’s time that my dad takes my ideas seriously. I just need to get him on board with expanding our winemaking abilities to reach new customers. Eventually, my dream is to add a restaurant on our acreage that will serve the most amazing comfort food cuisine. We will expertly pair each dish with a delicious wine.

  My father is a stubborn man, but I’m not going to back down. This weekend I will show him my research and business proposal. I will slowly but surely wear him down. At least that’s my hope.

  As I approach the ranch, I see our black lab, Smokey, barreling down the steps to greet me. She’s been a part of my family since my junior year in high school, so the term barreling is used loosely. A guard dog she’s not, but she won’t let anyone past her without a pat or a scratch.

  As I get out of the car, Smokey approaches me with her tail wagging. “Hey girl, I’ve missed you. Have you been helping out around here? Licking up any of the spilt wine?” I scratch behind her ears and then move down to her back. “Well girl, let’s see how the rest of the family feels about my homecoming.”

  Even though I love it here, I know it’s only a matter of time before Beth is brought up. I grab my bags from the car and walk with apprehension toward my house. My mom’s out on the front porch, waiting. Her expression is hard to read, but there’s a smile on her face so I take that as a good sign.

  “Ben, you’re home. I’ve missed you so much. Give me some sugar!” I oblige by giving her a bear hug, picking her up off the ground. This always makes her laugh. At six feet, two inches tall, I tower a foot over her. She would disappear in my arms if I weren’t careful. “Oh good Lord, Ben, put me down. How I ended up with such a tall boy I’ll never know.”

  I look at her lovingly and smile. “I don’t know, Mom, maybe it was all the wine you guys drank.” That got me a smack on the shoulder.

  “Now get in the house, put your bags in your room, and wash up. Dinner’s almost ready, and your dad’s anxious to see you.” Inhaling a deep breath, I let it out slow
ly. Let the weekend begin.

  I make my way up the stairs to my old room. My stomach starts doing somersaults as the memories come back to me in waves of nausea. I place my hand on the handle of my door and slowly turn it. For the past two years I’ve avoided my room whenever possible. When I come to visit, I usually stay in the loft room above the barn. Unfortunately for me, we’re having some renovations done, and the loft isn’t available. I knew it would be hard to sleep in here, but I guess I didn’t realize just how hard. My footsteps are tentative as I walk in. I want to ignore the flash of memories, but there’s no use. They sweep over me, and I let them.

  “Ben, stop it. Your family is down stairs, they’ll hear us,” she whispered to me while laughing.

  “Oh, come on love, we can be quiet. Well, at least I know I can be, but I’m not so sure about you.” I joke with her while teasingly poking her in the ribs. She laughs and pushes me away. But I know what I’m doing. Beth has certain places on her body that set her off, and I know every one of them. Going in for the kill, I begin to lightly lick and suck under her earlobe. The soft moan she makes tells me I’m going to get what I want. When she reaches up and tugs on my hair I know she’s done fighting me.

  “Oh God, Ben, you know what that does to me.” She starts to moan even more, and her breath falters. Yep, I have her just where I want her, and there’s no stopping this now. Having her in my childhood bed is a teenage fantasy come true. I grow even harder.

  “Damn, when you make those sweet noises I have to have my way with you. Right here, right now, clothes are coming off,” I demand of her, and she doesn’t resist. As I slowly strip her of everything, I lose myself in her and her love.

  Get a grip, Ben, or you’re going downstairs with a raging hard on. The bed feels like it’s mocking me, but it’s impossible not to think about her in it. It was the last time we had made love. It was the last time I felt happiness before everything turned to shit. If I’d known that would be our last time, I would have slowed down a bit. I would have cherished her body and held her against me longer.

  “Fuck this shit!” I curse aloud to the empty room. Two years later, and I’m still thinking of her. Looking down at the bed, I realize there’s no way I can sleep in it. Maybe Jenny’s room will be better for me. Turning around quickly, I’m met by my mother standing in the doorway. The look in her eyes tells me she senses my weariness. She starts to open her mouth to say something but hesitates.

  “Mom, being in this room is too hard for me. Can I stay in Jenny’s room this weekend?” My mom looks up at me with understanding and nods. Walking past her to my sister’s room, I step inside and instantly relax. I knew my mom would follow me in and try to talk to me. Just as she opens her mouth I interrupt her. “Please, don’t, not right now. It’s too much.” Without saying a single word, she turns and walks back down the hall, only pausing to shut my old bedroom door. Now if I could just shut out all my recollections of Beth, I would be able to make a fresh start.

  Seeing Nathan tonight didn’t help me. I’ve been working hard at keeping my heart safe and not involving myself with men who can’t appreciate me. I’m choosing to be selective of who I let in. If that means no love, sex, or relationships for a while, then I’m okay with that. So even though I’m keeping my heart safe and sound, I’m not necessarily prepared to deal with past heartbreaks. It sucks that he still can affect me.

  As Jenny and I crossed Huntington Ave. and made our way onto Symphony, my eyes did a double take. I could barely make out the shadowy figure I knew all too well. Nathan. I turn to pull on Jenny’s arm to stop her in place. She looks at me nervously, probably because I stopped so abruptly. My mouth isn’t working. I can only point in his direction. She follows my finger to the steps of our building.

  “Shit, what’s he doing here? Didn’t he get enough of you tonight?” Jenny looks at me with increasing concern because still nothing is coming out of my mouth. Grabbing my arm she shakes me. “Sam, Sam, snap out of it! What do you want to do?”

  Her death grip on me shakes me out of my slightly catatonic state. She’s waiting for a response, but I have no idea what to do. “I don’t know what to do? It took all of my strength at the pub earlier tonight to stomach seeing him.”

  I can’t believe Nathan is at my apartment of all places. This past year, I’ve been lucky not having to see him. I’ve been completing my student teaching so I’m hardly ever on campus.

  We had an agreement that he could never come into the pub. And up until tonight, he’s followed that rule. But now, I’m seeing him twice in one night.

  “What could he possibly want from me? You know how we left things.” Jenny’s eyes widened.

  “Well, there’s only one way to find out. Come on, I’ll walk over with you and stay by your side. If he tries anything funny I’ll give him a quick kick in the balls!”

  Knowing how serious she is, I snort thinking about Nathan hunched over, gasping for air and holding his junk. She’s a loyal friend and doesn’t take crap from anyone. Jenny once mentioned that having an older brother who teased her mercilessly taught her how to fight back. She also said that Ben would beat up any guy who treated her like dirt. She’s lucky to have a brother and a family who would do anything for her.

  Then there is me. I have a fucked up life and am an only child. Jenny looks out for me and helps me when I am down for the count, and I really couldn’t ask for a better best friend.

  Although she’s next to me, holding my hand, I still can’t make my legs move forward. “Come on, Sam, we need to deal with this right now because he’s walking toward us. You can do this. Don’t give him the satisfaction of affecting you again.” I nod my head, put my feet out in front of me, and begin to move.

  Turning to Jenny, I pull her closer. “Okay, okay, just stick with me, and don’t leave unless I ask you to.” I hold my head high and walk right up to him. “What do you want Nathan?”

  Nathan seems stunned over my less-than-friendly greeting, but I could care less. This is not about him.

  “Um … hello … again … Sam. I thought we could maybe talk or grab a drink?” I try to hide the utter shock on my face at his suggestion. I mean, seriously, is he high on something?

  “Are you being serious right now? You want to talk to me? What do we have to say to each other?” I move to get in his face. “I think finding you in our bed fucking your skank whore said plenty!” Jenny’s arm pulls me to the apartment steps.

  “Please Sam, I just need five minutes. Just give me five minutes and then you can go. I will even set the timer on my phone.” Hearing him plead brings me a sick feeling of satisfaction. He has no idea how our relationship messed with my head. He was the final nail in my relationship coffin, so to speak. My relationship role models include a philandering father, and my other two boyfriends, who just sucked. I thought Nathan was different. I was wrong.

  Trying not to lose my cool, I calmly turn to him, “I don’t think it’s a good idea, Nathan. I’m finally in a better place and moving forward with my life. I really can’t hear how horrible of a girlfriend I was and how I was not what you needed in bed. My self- esteem can’t afford another blow.” I won’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he ruined me for any hopes of another relationship down the road.

  Nathan reaches out for my arm and touches me. My body jumps back with surprise—scared it might change how I’m feeling right now. But the embers that I thought were still burning for him have died out. Thank God! Taking a deep breath, I sigh with relief. There’s nothing there. No spark, no fizzle, not one little shiver. Nothing.

  Releasing my arm, he looks me right into my eyes. “Seeing you again tonight brought back some feelings. Come on, Sam. We had some great moments. You could be such a hellcat in bed. Remember? ‘Cause I do.” He winks at me, and I just want to smash his face in.

  “Are you kidding me? In the end you barely came near me. I tried everything to get you to touch me. You flat out told me I didn’t satisfy you anymore.”

&
nbsp; “Ah, come on. I know we can get that feeling back again.” He makes a move closer to me, and I instinctively move back. “Listen, I think with graduation coming up, I’m reminiscing about us and all the plans we made together. I need to see if I’m feeling nostalgic or if I still have feelings for you.” He looks down to the ground briefly then stares directly in my eyes. “Do you still have feelings for me, Sam?”

  I can’t believe what I’m hearing right now. Is this really happening? Taking deep breaths in and letting them out, I try to be concise. “Look Nathan, I have to admit that if you had said this to me six months ago, I probably would’ve been ecstatic. But you hurt me so badly that I was broken for a long time.” Taking a moment to collect my thoughts, I continue.

  “I’ve worked hard to move on with my life and make positive changes. And on top of everything else, it appears that Nic is still in your life and your lap!” He drops his gaze toward the ground and shakes his head. But I keep going. It’s time to get it all out in the open. “You cheated on me, and it’s not something I can easily forget. My trust for you is long gone. Besides, I’m still the same me—the one who didn’t satisfy you. A hellcat? Really Nathan?” I continue to walk up the steps to my door, hoping the tears I feel stinging behind my eyelids won’t fall.

  “For what it’s worth,” Nathan says softly, “I am sorry. I’m sorry that I fucked up. I didn’t mean what I said about you not being enough. I got scared, and instead of working it out with you, I turned to someone else.” Upon hearing his words, my body responds and turns back around. I need to look into his eyes and see his face. His smug look and hollow eyes tell me everything. His mouth turns slightly upward like he thinks he’s won me over with his apology. But I can read him. His eyes are empty—they hold no regret or sorrow. For the first time in a long while, I’m okay with that. I don’t need his apology or him.